August 2015
It was in the early part of 2010. I was struggling.
There was a lot going on in my personal life and I longed for some answers.
There’s a place I’ve gone many times when I’ve hit my bottom. It is a sacred spot where four cedars have been planted facing the four corners of the earth. It is a healing circle, and these trees were planted by First Nations peoples on land of the last residential school of Canada. This land is close to where I live and a place I have gone hundreds of times. When I have struggled the most, I have found myself wandering into the centre of this group of trees.
On this particular occasion, I recalled how I was feeling……sensing the mood of others towards me- I felt shame, disconnect and longing all mixed together. The question arose, who am I when others struggle with me? Who am I when I don’t know how to be? Who am I?
And then I remembered how Christ had asked his friends, ‘who do you say that I am?’ and the curiosity arose in me. Who did God say that I am? How was I seen by the Presence of Love, as I had come to call this Mystery.
And so in that sacred space of 4 cedars, I shouted out that question, ‘WHO DO YOU SAY THAT I AM???????’
My longing in asking that question was that I wanted to live from this knowing. I wanted to live in accordance to how LOVE saw me, no longer trapped by my understandings of how others might. I was longing for TRUTH. And hoping that the TRUTH would set me FREE.
I had no idea what would emerge in that moment of gut-wrenching vulnerability. I had no idea what words or images might appear in my heart or mind.
But I asked the question.
And I was still.
And then this song was born.
It shocked me.
It was too much.
It was overwhelming.
How could I ever believe this?
How could I ever even think this?
But in that moment of shock, I wrote it all down.
I didn’t share it for a year. I didn’t dare.
What would people think, after all?
But I pondered those words.
And they wouldn’t leave me.
As I prepared to release the Love Shines album, I spent an evening singing all the songs of the Love Shines recording to my closest friends and collaborators of the project. Then someone asked if I had any new songs.
I said I had one.
I was terrified.
Could I dare?
But in that room full of love and acceptance, I sang this song for the first time; I am she.
I am she, a forest queen
I am she, who loves to sing
I am she, with wings to fly
I am, I am
I am she standing tall
I am she, a drinking well
I am she, a beam of light
I am, I am
I am she, a holy fire
I am she, a fresh spring rain
I am she, a healing wind
I am, I am
I am she, who is a tree
I am she, with roots down deep
I am she, with branches high
I am, I am
I am she, reflecting You
Source of all, Good and True
I am she, reflecting You
I am, I am
You are, I am
You are, I am
You are, I am
You are, I am
There was silence afterwards.
I felt raw and exposed.
And there were tears all over the room.
And then my producer, Philip Janz told me that I was going to sing that song again and again.
In fact, that song became the title track of the album of 2013, I am she…a soul’s journey home.
I dared.
I began to sing the song at retreats, conferences, and other events. It felt always fresh and new for my heart.
Vulnerable and exposed.
Freeing and true.
And then this summer, it took another turn. It went deeper still.
One night, I had a situation where I was afraid. I rarely listen to my own music, but that night I put on the I am she album and listened to it on repeat. The song that impacted me over and over again was this song, I am she.
And I realized there was more for me to digest.
More to embody.
More to claim.
More to be.
More to live.
And I felt it work in me, shifting my thinking and my emotions…..doing what transforming work always does…….helping me go deeper into the mystery of LOVE.
Love invites us to become, to stand tall, to know grace, to know freedom, to know LIFE.
Jesus, the One I follow, said; I have come that you may have LIFE.
My hope and prayer is that you find your own song of ‘I am’. Knowing who you are reflecting from the eyes of Love.
Dare to ask the question.
Dare to listen.
Who knows? It may change your life as it has mine.
